Did I Want Divorce for My Marriage?

The morning started well and then suddenly took a dive.

One of our kids was in need of love and engagement.

And we had different ideas about how to parent in this situation.

Terse words flew back and forth.

We faced each other as opponents.

I burned with frustration as my husband went to engage our son.

My thoughts raced forward, “I am so upset about this! I think it will be justified if I don’t talk to him for the day. That will show him how serious I am about this and how wrong he is!!”

I fumed and muttered as I did some silly household task.

Then I heard the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit in my heart,”You are embracing divorce in your heart.”

I replied with shock, “What!? Really Lord? I’m just really mad, I think I am right – Don’t you!? I want him to know it! That doesn’t mean I am going to divorce him!”

Even as I replied I knew His Truth was piercing my world, my heart.

My thoughts were about separation, they were for me, they were selfish. They weren’t for oneness, for us as a couple or for the best for our whole family.

They didn’t mirror the love of 1 Corinthians 13.

I saw my heart once again for what it is. Broken without Jesus. In need of a Savior.

Repentance followed, with the Lord and then Steve.

We had a long talk and worked our way to a place of unity about our parenting.

I’ve since been considering my attitudes and thoughts…

….are they embracing and fostering life and oneness or are they allowing seeds of separation and selfishness to grow in my heart?

At the point of this story I had spent 17 yrs of learning to love this man.

Now we are at 22 years…

And I am still learning how to live out the Oneness the Lord gave us.

It still takes a lot of vulnerability, humility, repentance.

I’m convinced it will be this way to the end.

I appreciate how Sara Groves describes it…

“Love is a diamond hidden in mountains

Covered in danger and dirt

I’m on the outside digging and digging

I’ve seen and I know what it’s worth”

Sara Groves

I’m going to keep digging.

Love is worth it.